Handbook for the Last Dictator

Intro

So, you’re the last dictator left on Earth. The throne of power stands empty—yet never unattended. Behind it lurks a familiar figure of ambition, hair gleaming, hands gripping the seat that was never really his to begin with. Welcome to the ultimate handbook: power maintenance for beginners and seasoned autocrats alike.

Step 1: Control the truth

Truth is dangerous. Build a media empire, brand every inconvenient fact as fake news, and declare yourself the sole source of reality. Bonus points if you convince people that questioning you is unpatriotic — or, better yet, “a witch hunt.”

Step 2: Hug the people, crush the opposition

Smile broadly on state TV while quietly outlawing protests. Pretend to “listen to the people” by giving them just enough bread and circus to distract them—never enough to make them free. Rome called it panem et circenses. You might call it a rally.

Step 3: Invent enemies from thin air

A dictator without enemies is like a king without a crown. Create conspiracies, point to scapegoats, or warn of foreign threats. The wilder the story, the easier it sticks. After all, some crowds still chant about stolen elections long after the votes are counted.

Step 4: Weaponize technology

Turn social media into your megaphone. Drown dissent in algorithmic noise and hoard data like privacy never existed. Even Orwell never dreamed of push notifications—or entire campaigns launched in 280 characters.

Step 5: Become a brand

No dictator survives without branding. Get a logo, a slogan, and a soundtrack. Put your face on billboards, launch your own perfume line, and write a book no one reads but everyone must own. Some dictators end up as history lessons. Others end up selling $399 sneakers.